2 years ago you told me you couldn’t talk to me because the girl you were dating was jealous..but as soon as i tell you that i’m jealous of someone you tell me that you’re not gonna stop talking to her and i have to deal with it. you get jealous of a friend of mine and instead of shaking his hand you punch him in the face. nice. really. you tell me how much you love me and how i’m the only one you want to be with, how i’m the reason you’re fighting and you want to marry me..but she’s more important than me, and i’m the reason you’re sick..and honestly i’m sick..i’m sick of everything„i’m sick of the fact that you cant and refuse to talk to me on the phone because of your stutter when i’ve told you a trillion times that i don’t care. i’m sick of fighting and apologizing 12 hours later. i’m sick of being second. i’m furious that you tell her everything, and i’m furious that you asked her to be your other valentine. and you know, i probably don’t deserve you, but you were seriously the only thing that was keeping me sane. the only reason i woke up every morning, the only reason i didn’t yell at anyone and everyone that tried to talk to me. i have now lost, my best friend, my boyfriend, my parents, and the one and only thing i was truly confident about. i’m not brave enough to do anything stupid..i actually don’t think i’m even brave enough to try..but it’s 3:30 in the morning and i can’t stop crying and i can’t fall asleep. im jealous of her. i hate that she makes you happy, and i hate that you’d rather talk to her then talk to me. i hate that she’s pretty, and that i can tell when you’re talking to her. you were my dream, and i thought i was so lucky to find you when i was so young..but every best (girl) friend you have ever had as pulled you away from me..every time..and even though you always came back to me, you never got all of me. each time that it happened, my heart broke a little bit more..and i have barely anything left to give you. i love you with all of me, but all of me isn’t enough anymore because all of me is worn down, and it’s small..and sure, maybe in a few weeks it’ll be easier, but i will never stop missing you. and i will never stop loving you. everyday until the day that i die i will think about you, and everyday until the day that i die i’ll wonder what would have happened if we’d gotten married had kids. when im old i know that there will at least be one night that i look at the person laying next to me and wish it was you. but i’ll move on. ill wake up in the morning and continue my day. but whoever he is, he’ll never be you, he won’t even compare. and ill have to live without you. but you’ll be the best, most beautifully written chapter in my life, the one that i’ll read over and over again until i have it memorized.
I can honestly say life hasn’t been boring since Aaron and Andrew pushed their way back into my life..I dont think I’ve ever been so busy or driven my car so much in my life..they’ve brought all their drama in a backpack with them and I’ve met (and re-met) a lot of people..and I get along with all of them. They opened my eyes to something that I let go on too long, that I was blind too; and they’ve introduced me to new experiences. They came into my life at exactly the right time, and now that I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. They both mean so much to me, though aaron means a ton more, and I’m gonna be here for them as best as I can be. In less than one week I’ve gotten a call from both of them in jail, had to call both of their moms and tell them, and had to drive an hour away to get Andrew. Aaron will stay for a long time, but as soon as he needs me, I’ll be driving an hour away to get him too. Until then, I’ll be writing him at least 3 letters a week. I’ve lost a cousin, a boyfriend, and a really really good friend since I’ve met them..but so far, it seems as though everything’s happened for the best. We’ll see though.
i’m kinda mad about a lot of things.
like having a best friend who randomly breaks off the friendship.
and having another best friend with a fucking eating disorder.
and having a boyfriend who doesn’t even wanna talk to me.
god i just wish, sometimes that girl wouldn’t have told me that he’s her boyfriend..because then i wouldn’t be paranoid, and i wouldn’t have asked him, and we wouldn’t have gotten in a fight, and we would be talking right now..
but no, of course not, that’d be way to easy..she did tell me, and i did ask, and we did get in a fight, and we’re not talking. and i’m so angry at him, cause it’s like…well, to me it’s like i don’t even exist to him when we’re not talking..but when we’re talking it’s like i’m his whole world..and i guess..now that i’m older and not so naive about our whole relationship..he really might just be a player..knowing that he always has a backup cause i can’t ever say no to him. not even when i want to.
i guess that shows how much of a fucking backbone i have, huh?
it’s hard though..harder then it should be, cause i am in love with him..and he knows that..and if for one fucking second i could be happy without him i’d take it..because that would mean that i didn’t have to depend on him to make my day..and they wouldn’t fall apart when he’s not around to put it back together.
sometimes i wish that i’d never even met him..but i wouldn’t trade any of it, and i don’t regret any of it, and i’d do it all over again.
i want to just break up with him..but that’s not actually what i want because i don’t have a reason to.
and it would just make me unhappy..and it sucks because he can break up with me whenever he feels like it, and he’s fine and can date other girls while i watch..because it’s not like a can’t get a guy..i just don’t have the motivation, and it takes all my energy not to compare them to him.
i’m exhausted..relationships are not supposed to make you exhausted..he’s not supposed to make me cry..but i’m crying..and i don’t know if it’s because of him, or because i’m realizing how pathetic i am.
that sucks. this whole situation sucks. and i wish that i could just make it stop. i know i can be happy without him..i was for fifteen years..but that was before he made a grand entrance into my life.
he excited me..he was like this huge mystery that i wanted to keep unfolding to get into the middle until everything was out in the open…i’m like halfway there and i wanna just fold it all back up because i don’t think i want to know what else there is. and i sure as hell want there to be a fucking happy ending. but i’m pretty sure even i’m not that lucky..which sucks cause he’s the only one that will ever be able to give me that.